packing things up…

[Slithers out from under your bed]

I’m baaaaaack. Just kidding.

Months have gone by since the last update, but I promise the neglect is unwillingly intentional. To say I’ve been busy is an understatement. It’s been a tornado storm of various Stuff ‘n Things—not all necessarily bad, however!—but not a moment’s pause inbetween. To start, I’m in the early stages of moving. My landlord snuck a punch last week as he beat around the bush to curtly inform that he “may” sell the place, so “is this enough time [to move out]?” Wait. What? After in-depth story-time of why relocating to a new place on short notice could very likely take longer than 1.5 months, the situation was left up in the air.

Wow, so not ideal.

fbnd ksg 2

I spent the next several days stuck between worrying and not worrying, and worrying about whether I need to worry. Should I fret over a “possible” decision he may rescind, or do I briefly sit the rest of my life on the back burner to find a new place a-sap? Fast forward to last Thursday when what may as well classify as a Howler from the landlord’s wife arrived, which passively-aggressively asserts that the unit must be vacated by September 26th or legal action will be used should we refuse. (That’s funny… As if I would desist. As if moving out was made definitively clear per the last conversation.) Conveniently, they will be away from September 2nd – 23rd, and! Should any repairs be necessary in the mean time, they hired someone do to the work—name and phone number provided. Reading between the lines, it says, “Ha ha, yes, we are avoiding you.” Also noted, if moving out prior to the specified date is possible, they can only accommodate if it’s before the end of August. Aye, giving me a headache!

I’ll say what’s obvious is obvious: as a clean, conflict-free, never-once-late renter of five years, I feel there is some etiquette, some decency, shoved aside. Not that my landlord ever handled confrontation well, but what could have been cordial feels hostile, and why the terse attitude is brought out upon tenants remains confounding. By all means, he of course holds the right to sell his property if he wants*, but is the prickbiscuit attitude necessary? And while I don’t know all the legalities, to pay a full month’s rent and not be allowed to stay for that last, remaining month—unless he prorates (and I’ve got an itch that says he won’t)—doesn’t seem right, either.

(*Long story short: Company A replaced the old water heater with a new but defective one in November ’14. Upon their second visit, they acknowledged said water heater is defective, and yet during their third visit, the specific issue “is not covered by warranty.” How very suitable for them. Skip to the fourth visit where they said, “Whoops! Nothing is wrong.” Enter Company B, who did a double-take and confirmed that—yes!—there is a problem, indeed. Company A followed up by cutting all contact and refused service until, eventually, they were persuaded to come out a fifth time. Again: “Nothing is wrong.” All the while, my landlord accrued bills from each company. Solution? Sell! I mean, just ignore how this steamrolls out of the blue with major unplanned expenses for everyone.)

You hear that sound? You think I’m groaning in exhaust, but that’s the sound of me dying.

No use steeping in my own resentment stew over this, but it’ll be a long while before I can look back on this debacle and not feel a smidge miffed. While 1.5 – 2 months to move out is doable, I live in a suburban university town where incoming students snatch rentals quicker than I can complete a Craigslist search. Still, two listings managed to catch my attention. Assuming either one is still available, I’m choosing to push thoughts of pending doom out of mind and look at this optimistically. Hopefully, this will go smoothly. Hopefully.

This is also a recent issue, and a temporary detour I can pass through. A more long-term struggle I’ve been handling, and have kept quiet on, is my mother’s health. Progressively, for several years, it’s been in constant decline. I won’t say much, except that additional responsibilities and pressures are riding my shoulders. It’s a part of my life that actively clashes with other aspects: school, work, social, and family. It’s draining, it’s difficult, and it often roadblocks. It even played a role in to my initial decision to break from school; albeit, a small one, though a factor in my burnout nonetheless. No matter, because I think I’ve had a long-enough break, anyway.

Two years flew by, but it gave much-needed time to clear my head and think about my future. I initially enrolled with no long-range goals, and with no idea how to combine my interests with work—or if that was even possible. I enrolled and, blindly and stupidly, fell in line to what my family wanted me to become. I repressed the strong instinct to recoil, an overwhelming dislike, convincing myself that I could like it. That I did like it. But walking away provided a reprieve, and yet I still battled myself over Head vs Heart: do I aim for something I enjoy and sacrifice income and benefits, or do I sacrifice personal enjoyment? The blending of the two isn’t plausible! I thoroughly believed this and idea-hopped career choice from career choice. In a couple month’s time each idea grew tiresome, but I’ve managed to stick with with one. I’ve mulled and researched it for over a year, and rather than feel dissuaded or disenchanted, I am compelled to go for it. But as much as my inquiries have been self-informative, it’s defensive prep against angry family tirades. What consumed me back then that I now brush aside was a yearning to have their approval. I’ve always held confidence within myself to know that I’ll be okay no matter what I do, but now I’m at the point where disappointing someone over my career choice doesn’t bother me. Good for me.

fbnd ksg

I say all of this not to apologize for my absence, or to alert everyone of my whereabouts, but because my absence here will continue. The move requires quick planning, if this is to turn out well, and while the issues I face regarding my mom won’t go away, I’m also pushing ahead and plan to attend uni soon-ish. This is not to say that I want to leave this place empty for months at a time, but my schedule leaves zero room for weekly posts. Rather, posting one to two times a month is the most feasible option for me. For the time being, even that may not work out—at least until I have this move squared away, and my academic plans are (mostly) laid out.

In the mean time, I can still be found at my tumblr (though I consider myself on semi-hiatus) gradually working through the #ktvmeme. Maybe you’ll see me back in a few weeks.


7 thoughts on “packing things up…

  1. lillianccc

    Girl, I hear you loud and clear on the whole passion vs. practicality debate. I think for any of us who are even the least bit creatively inclined, it’s practically a rite of passage. If you’ll allow me to give some unsolicited advice, I’ll say that sometimes what you think you’re destined for or what you REALLY want to do won’t always look the way you expect it to. Sometimes it’s less about where you go than what you’re actual job entails. I’m in the midst of a job switch (and a move too!) myself and I get that it’s a tumultuous time. I’m really glad that you haven’t lost your inner faith in yourself and I imagine that after all the issues of forced moving and family illness you’ve dealt with, figuring out what you want to do with yourself isn’t quite so daunting anymore. Because at least WE are in control of our lives and only we can give ourselves satisfaction that we’re living the way we want.
    Anyway, sorry for the mini-speech but it’s good to see you again here! 🙂

    1. Raya Post author

      best of luck on your move & new job! are you staying relatively close to home or no?

      it’s funny, because if you’d asked me what I wanted to do in high school, I would have been SO SURE I’d head into an english department but wrinkled my nose over the idea of teaching. after going through this back-and-forth wrestle match for years of discovering what it is I want, I’m leaning toward teaching english as second language (preferably abroad). altho it may turn out that I’ll want to do something completely different later on. the struggle never ends, does it? there’s no sure-way to know if we’re headed down the “right” or “preferable” path, but I guess as long as I feel good about my decisions, it will work out. if not, I supposed I can whip out a plan c…. ha ha.

      1. lillianccc

        Thanks! Well I’ll be in the same state but am moving up north (I live in southern California) so it’s kind of close and kind of not, depending on how you look at it. And teaching ESL, how exciting! It’s definitely a challenge but it’ll be a great learning experience for you especially if you move somewhere with a very different culture. This whole thing is really a process so eh, we’ll figure things out as we go along. Not that we have much other choice lol.

  2. Savindi (The Streetlight Reader)

    I’m really sorry to hear about your Mother’s health Raya, but I can definitely relate to it since my family is going through something similar to yours. I can relate to the whole passion vs reality situation too. I’m in the midst of trying to figure out where I’m going as well and I echo Lillian’s sentiment- things won’t always look/turn out the way you expect them too. Like Lillian I’m really glad that you’re pushing forward with your own path 🙂 Send me your new address by the way! Also it’s good to see your posts too! 🙂

    1. Raya Post author

      it’s tough, because it feels like society is set to function in a way that largely benefits people who are more mathematical or have a passion for science. which is not to say there aren’t crap jobs in these areas—there definitely are!—but the odds seem stacked against those of us whose interests lie elsewhere. especially for the creatively inclined, as lillian pointed out. some make it work, but it’s not easy & I know these people make up a small sum compared to the many. it’s left me feeling like major sacrifices are in order no matter which way I go, & I hate that I feel this way over it. with what I’m currently considering, I’ve accepted that I won’t have the preferable income or benefits I’d have *if* I went along with my family’s advice. but! it should also be a job that won’t leave me worn down or gritting my teeth.

      1. Savindi (The Streetlight Reader)

        Yeah I hear you. So many arts programs are having their funding cut right now which sucks so much, because there are great courses within those programs. Even my university is more focused on the sciences and we even shut down our Women’s Studies program which was just appalling. I think they’re crappy jobs in all fields and I guess it’s what you make of the job too perhaps? Like I have a friend from university who did history like myself but he works at a bank and he loves it! He said his passion is still History, but he could never have a job in it, but he really enjoys working at the bank which I find super fascinating. I think there’s a romantic notion involved in following your passion. Like people talk about it, but it’s not easy-especially if you have a passion like Photography which is EXPENSIVE if you’re buying your own equipment and such. But I think unfortunately everything sort of requires major sacrifices on people’s parts. I guess at the end of the day you have to do what you have to do to make it through. And yes you don’t want to do a job that ultimately makes you hate it or you feel so exhausted.

      2. Raya Post author

        back in ’09-ish, the uni here actually cut their football program! idk if cutting back on/cutting out humanities was something they considered, or if the issue was confined to sports, but I thought it was an interesting choice. (a little off-topic, but your comment reminded me!)

        I feel like there’s always going to be a catch if you try to make your hobbies/passions your job. *some* people make it happen & really enjoy it, but the moment I feel like my escape (hobbies) bears responsibility—it then becomes work. it’s a job. & I don’t like that, lmao. what might be ideal for me, I think, is working in an area that deals with enjoyable subjects—like teaching english, because I’m looking into ESL overseas—but it doesn’t cross over into hobby territory either. meh, idk.

        romantic notions: definitely. although I semi-agree & disagree at the same time. I know people who follow their passions and make it their careers, and they really do love their jobs. but I feel like they’re in the minority…?

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